I've gone and done something which some might think odd. I got another therapist. Not in the traditional sense, where one might stop seeing one therapist and find another. Things are not that simple in here. I have the old therapist and I have a new one. They don't know about each other. The new one doesn't even have my real name and the personal information I supplied would make me difficult to locate should he ever decide that I need immediate 'help'. This is the only way I could get another therapist. I don't know what will happen now and I'm not sure how I feel about all of it. I assured the little girl that it's not because I'm getting rid of her 'mother' (the old therapist), and I promised Rambo that I would not get too cozy with the new guy.
These actions were prompted by the rabbit hole I fell into last week. And also by the therapist's reaction to it. To his credit, he did give me advanced notice of his vacation. Strangely, I didn't know how to do anything with it. I really and truly thought I was not bothered by his upcoming absence. We spoke for our last appointment last Wednesday before he left and I truly thought I was just fine. I started to feel some distress within hours (the little girl wanted her mother), but I told myself he would be back soon and that everything was fine. Things had been going quite well in that therapy lately. It should have been okay. The next thing I knew I went right down the rabbit hole. I was once again the terrified teenage girl he abandoned with his harmful screw up more than three years ago. I was alternately the scared and lonely little girl who saw it all and cried and screamed for her mother to come back and get her. It was pure hell. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to try to communicate from down there. I called him and left one of those embarrassing and pitiful phone messages at some point last Thursday afternoon (or maybe early evening). I knew he wasn't leaving until Saturday and he didn't call back (he was out), so I sent an email Friday morning. Now, when I reread it, I can see that that communication came from the incident three years ago. I see it. Part of me knew it even then and tried to communicate it. It seems plain. I would have thought he would see it, too, but he didn't. He didn't understand. He ended up calling Friday, but I am a little bit bothered by how things went. He didn't SEE me of his own accord. He seemed to mostly see his own need not to be accused of abandonment or confronted with a 'rageful' email when he logs on to his computer in the morning. Seems I wasn't the only person who was not reacting from the present reality. He said my scared and pain-filled email was 'rageful'. Maybe as much as I was triggered by his past abandonment, he was triggered by all the rage I dumped on him afterward in response to how deeply he had hurt me. Yes, I can give as good as I get. And maybe there is too much damage. I know there is damage here. I shouldn't have a flashback from a trauma that was inflicted upon me by my therapist. That's not how things are supposed to go.
I have to take care of the little girl, so please don't say anything bad about her mother in comments. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going right now, but I had to do SOMETHING. I'm not well and I need help. The new therapist said something that really struck a chord with me, especially since he doesn't know about the other one. We were talking about 'craziness'. I forget where all that went, but he said, "Real insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I must say, I agree. Yes, I do. Maybe I've been living in craziness. Sometimes common sense just has to take the fucking wheel. And the only reason I can say that right now is because I'm drunk (spellcheck rocks). I'm trying very hard to do the best I can, and yet I'm drunk. It's the best I can do right now. I'm scared and I'm in pain. Don't be shocked if this post disappears. In the meanwhile, I'm conducting a poll. The 'rageful' email is pasted in below. Please vote and tell me whether or not you think it is 'rageful'. I really need some opinions.
I'm pretty sure you said you are leaving Saturday, yet you ignore me. I have so much pain. I didn't think I was stashing anything about you leaving, but you know what vacation translates to in here now, don't you? It comes crawling out of the woodwork and it makes me not want to live. It keeps replaying over and over. "There is a difference between support and indulgence... psychiatrist... Buspar... present moment... autonomic nervous system..." (You can't tell things. Stop crying. Don't remember. Run and hide. You're disgusting. No one wants you. I wish you were never born. Shut up. Just shut up.) You should have killed me that day. I don't want to be here. How could you do it? How? I'll never understand. I did nothing to you and I needed you and I trusted you so much. You wouldn't believe the private hell I went through on the way to being able to trust you for real from the inside. And you made me believe it was safe. I think you did kill me that day. I think you did.
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And contrary to popular opinion, there really is such a thing as an Atheist in a foxhole. There are Atheists in rabbit holes, too. But that doesn't mean we want to be abandoned by actual PEOPLE, no matter their personal views on that particular subject.
ReplyDeleteHey lynn, can't eat and can't sleep because of everything here...
ReplyDeleteThis is my thought...
Your email doen't read "rageful" to me... Desperate. Panicked. Beyond reason. Hopeless feeling and grasping at straws...
I can see though how the therapist felt like it was rageful...
If that much desperation and fear was directed at me I would feel afraid and perhaps interpret "rage".
In terms of the new therapist... I'm not sure having two therapists is sustainable... I couldn't do it. Lots of children have two parents though and they (sometimes) come out fine.
The thing he said about crazy being doing the same thing blah, blah, blah... I HATE that. My stepfather used to say that all the time.
("No. Crazy is YOU willingly marrying the crazy bitch who is my mother.")
Anyway... I'm just rambling here. Sorry about any typos.
I agree with quacks like a duck. On the other hand, with so much internal drama going on for you, why would you bring yet another person into it? It almost seems like an epic bid for aviodance which too me reads as so much pain and fear that it is vibrating. I seriously urge you to either hash it out truly with the mother therapist or walk away, but having two with them having no knowledge is so secretive and something (secrets) that you DO rage against, it just seems like you are setting yourself up and being decietful as well. I know how shitty I feel about myself when I am being decietful even if I feel at the time that I am being protective of me and mine. Safety should never includes lies and deception Lynn, you know this. Peace,
ReplyDeleteTyler
Desperate yes but like quacks said, I can understand how your therapist read 'rage' into it.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're in therapy.. the one thing you need to make therapy work is honesty and openness. By having two therapist who knows nothing about each other you are taking the honesty and openness out of therapy, leaving you pretty much stranded in a way as to what to do and go from here.
They may very well work differently, many therapists do and this may leave you feeling very confused.
Secrets.. something we should try and leave behind. We were taught to shut up and be quiet, to not say anything, to not spill the secrets. Don't go down that road, through therapy you get your voice back. And you desperately need your voice back. You need to speak, stand up and speak because you are worth it!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
((((hugs))))
(((LYNN))) Sorry I was not around last night to read and support. In my current state I thought it best to avoid all communication both on and off the internet...I'm here reading now, and I hope you are resting - peacefully.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you because I understand how much it hurts. That doesnt make it better, we both know that. I know how much the little girl loves her 'mother' - believe me!!! I have the same thing going on right now! (Main reason I had to hibernate from both internet and phone last night). I know. I can't make it better...but I understand and I can listen.
((((LYNN))))
~ Grace
I don't read rage in that email. Pain, and hurt, and grief, yes. Rage, no. But, on the other hand, it wasn't directed at me so I can't really look at it in the same light.
ReplyDeleteAs for having two therapists, I think it's fascinating. I would get confused, did I tell this one something, or that one? But if you can make it work more power to you! You know yourself best and you know what you need. Is therapist #2 someone completely new to your life? How much have you told so far?
oh - and I have already expressed my thoughts on the email....
ReplyDeleteHi, Else. I read about that stuff and I’m so, so sorry. I know it’s hard and you must be scared. I am keeping you in my thoughts and I hope it all works out for whatever is best for you and your daughter. I’ll be hoping for you. I’m not sure having two therapists is sustainable for me, either. I’m willing to give it a try because I feel backed into a corner. Thank you for your comment. Much appreciated, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI think it is about avoidance, Tyler, but at this point I think it is more about avoiding unnecessary relational pain than it is about avoiding my own material. If anything, it could be that staying with this therapist keeps me from facing my own material because the fear is so great that he will kick me when I’m down. So… I try really, really hard not to fall down. And I have to avoid MYSELF in an effort to remain standing at all times. To me, this makes the case for leaving the first therapist, but I can’t do that because of the little girl. And I can’t give the other therapist my right personal info because the fear of hospitals, psychiatrists, etc. is much too great and it would push me over the edge if he had this info. I would feel like a sitting duck in my own home and I won‘t live that way. I think maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I need the new guy to somehow help get rid of the old guy. If I can just find enough stability there to make that possible, then I might be able to save myself and to me that is worth the deception.
Hi, Zan. It doesn’t feel safe to me to be too honest or open with a therapist. I have found my voice right here on this blog. If anything, too much honesty in therapy has taken away some of my voice. I have to fight the Peanut Gallery tooth and nail now just to blog. That doesn’t seem right to me. Something’s not right.
Hi, Grace. Don’t worry about commenting and such when things are like that. I get that way, too, and I know it can’t be helped sometimes. And I know you know very well the power of the little girl. That kid’s done kicked my ass from here to China.
Hi, Harriet. I hope I don’t get confused. I’m trying to keep it simple to cut down on the possibility. I guess we’ll find out what happens. Yes, I met with the new guy for the first time Tuesday night. I’ve looked around several times and I use the internet to investigate and the email to weed out those who I know will not work out. This is the first one that I thought enough of to actually make an appointment with.
Yes, I do, Grace. :-) And I’m glad you shared them with me.