(Dear Therapist,)
Just in case I end up a mess and am unable to tell, it's this --
I've been having panic attacks and the nervous twitch is back on the side of my face. My old house (the one across town that was my actual HOME) has been hastily abandoned by the tenant. The neighbors are telling us all kinds of scary things that were going on over there right before she bailed. Long story short - it seems she got involved with the wrong man and it ended with her throwing her things in a U-haul while he was dragged away by police because he tried to [tried to hurt my house]. I had to send my husband because I couldn't handle going in to see what things might be like. He called me from the house because all the locks had been changed and he couldn't get in. He was completely pissed off and all bent out of shape and yelling on the phone, which made my anxiety worse. The house is not trashed, but the circumstances are setting things off inside at a time when things were not that great to start with and now I have a lot of work to do. You remember the final catalyst for me moving my family from that house, don't you? It was a violent man who moved in across the street. He followed his girlfriend down the sidewalk while pointing a gun at her back. I called police, but they let him go. A few days later he beat her half to death and seriously injured several of the cops who responded to the 911 call. My husband was loading my children into the car to go to school when the medics arrived and started rolling the injured out of the house. I couldn't sleep anymore. Now I am thinking I have to hurry up and get that house rented again before my brothers find out it has been left unattended. I'm trying really hard to be okay, but there is fear, anxiety, even dizziness. I've been breathing too much. I'm trying to be okay, but I'm very disturbed. Maybe I just need to try even harder.
(I will NEVER sell it. Not ever. No one is going to get my house away from me. I will fix and defend my house no matter what happens in the neighborhood around it. The only way that house will leave my possession is if nature takes it from me (or maybe Imminent Domain - but even then it probably wouldn't be without a court fight). Maybe the sinkhole underneath it will one day open up and swallow the goddamn thing, but it's mine until then. It's a very special house. I gutted that fucker with my own two hands while it was my home. I ridded it of the disgusting 1970s and brought it into the present and no one is going to get it from me. NOT EVER. Yes, I know... projection. I don't give a shit. It's MY goddamn house. And now that I've had enough beer to tell the whole goddamn world about it - I'm going to bed. Jesus H! I hate this triggery shit. And I hate crazy men who drive women from their homes and bodies. I fucking hate them.)
I hate them too honey. I hate them too. I'm watching over you while you sleep today...now that I'm home from the germ infested ER.
ReplyDelete((((LYNN)))))
I understand about needing to defend your house. Its too bad that there are so many bad people in the world.
ReplyDelete(((Lynn)))
-else
OMG. what a terrible mess. My heart goes out to you and those poor women.
ReplyDeleteHow horrible - I'm sorry you are having this stress in your life right now. I understand your need to keep your house, totally.
ReplyDeleteoh no. not that house. I have been reading here long enough to remember past posts about that house. I hate this is happening to you with this house - and for this woman. I understand your need to keep the house though - all too well I understand that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Enola and ditto her comment.
ReplyDeletexx.
Thank you, friends. You are very fine women and I'm lucky to have you as my friends.
ReplyDeleteEnola and Kahless -- Yes, it's THAT house. And it hurts me. It really does. I remember when I was struggling to come to terms with renting it out after moving to the new house. It was the smartest decision financially, but so hard on me emotionally. This house was a hot topic in the same conversation where the therapist destroyed my trust in him and in my own process. I could not remember the 'actual act' of the atrocity I was trying to process. I only remembered everything right before and after the really nasty part. I was trying to finish the bathroom over at the old house in order to 'distract', but it wasn't working. I remember I started crying about that and said things like, "I don't want someone else in my house. I don't want them touching my walls and using my bathroom and putting their dirty feet on my floor!" That's when he did it. He said (and he raised his voice), "You are projecting... if you can't live in the present moment... need to see a psychiatrist... nervous system..." He should have just shot me dead. He really should have.
Thank you both for staying with me and not doing that to me. I'll never forget it.