It's hard for me that this time of year is so disquieting for me, because it is also a time of transition when more things need to be done than usual. It's time to get the kids ready to go back to school. I need to go through their clothes and pack up what doesn't fit anymore and see what they need. I need to go over their supply lists and get that stuff ready. There are school orientations to attend as well. There are checkups and vaccinations. There are registration fees and costs up the ying yang. And as much as I would like to see my son, I don't relish seeing him in a prison. I have all kinds of issues around that. And I don't travel well and it is far and would be an overnight trip. With agoraphobia. This trip needs to happen before the kids go back to school because it has to be during the week because of the husband's business. And all this when I am doing so poorly.

Of course, this is a time to take good care of myself. Ha! I can't be comfortable here at all. I haven't been well since the middle of June when my functioning was crashed because I met with so much resistance from my family while trying to civilize life in this house. The condition of my house makes me very sad and tired. The husband doesn't help and the kids don't care, either. The kids have been here all summer making messes. The husband, too. He cares nothing of cleanliness or organization. It makes me feel unloved that even though my husband knows what this kind of environment does to me, he cannot seem to help encourage people to at least pick up after themselves and stop trashing the kitchen and bringing food into the living room. And you should see what happens when he cooks. I don't know what to do anymore. I am even entertaining thoughts of leaving my family so I can have a different environment and see if it helps me to recover. This is no kind of life and I can't do the amount of work that it takes to keep up after this many dirty people. I don't have that kind of energy now that my past refuses to be ignored. I can't just suck it up and keep my nose to the grindstone like I did when they were little. I just don't have it anymore.

I wanted to sleep in the living room. Even though my bedroom is the only clean place, I guess I just don't do well in bedrooms. I tried to think back to things that have helped me in the past and I remembered how much better I felt when I used my broad spectrum lamp and slept on the sofa. I can't sleep on the sofa now. The kids have nearly ruined it this time around. I spent the whole night scrubbing, but it's too nasty for that. I think I will need a new upholstery machine. Maybe I will get one this weekend. Still, there is a tired little voice in here that says, "Don't bother looking for something like that. Save yourself and look for an apartment instead." And I am actually considering doing just that. I told the husband that I will add up the expenses to find out what would be most economical. I can either pay someone to get this place into shape and then have a cleaner come for several hours a few times a week, or I can find some other place to go. Paying someone to fix this mess will be an astronomical expense, and the upkeep will need to be very frequent because no one here will cooperate with me. I actually think finding a place to go will be the cheaper option. Especially since I don't need much. I just need some order and cleanliness. I can't even offer myself the most basic physical comfort in an environment like this one, not even when I am suffering so terribly. I'm well enough to clean up after myself, it's just that I can't clean up after a large herd of inconsiderate pigs. The twins appreciate what I did for their bedroom and they have been keeping it neat, but their concern has not spread out to their actions in the rest of the house. The husband is the biggest pig of all, and he has managed to train the littlest one to be just like him. I'm beginning to think my family actually LIKES sitting in crumbs and spills to watch television, and they must enjoy the sucking sound of walking on a sticky kitchen floor. Maybe it is like music to them. Maybe I was weakened from the shock of my past for so long that I have lost all hope of having any influence over this physical environment ever again. This is one of the reasons I sometimes wish I had never started remembering things. I did not choose the sudden engulfment that came with that first full blown flashback. There are A LOT of things in my life that I didn't get to choose. I need to be able to choose some things now. I just never thought my choices might come down to choosing between myself and my own husband and children.