1. Where to start?
2. Ummm... Maybe with the nightmare Saturday morning. And waking up in severe pain. It's the body memories. They hurt very badly. And they tell a story, too. They tell a story of sodomy.
3. I know this has been brought up by contact with my family and the probable approaching death of the grandfather.
4. The nightmare (symbolic) and the terrible pain woke me up. Then the phone rang. It was Aunt P. I knew it. I knew my sister would be the only one to understand that I must put myself and my life with the husband and children above that of the family of origin. Aunt P is as fucked up as I am, but you should have heard her go on. There was no abuse in the grandparents' house. None. They are wonderful people. Bite me, traitor. I'm done with her. I won't betray myself as others have betrayed me. I have very precious children for whom to set an example. The example - honoring the truth and respecting the self. They deserve to learn that. They make me proud of my impressive reproductive capacity and I won't fail them. Which means I can't fail me.
5. I am one lucky motherfucker in some ways. I somehow managed to find a good and gentle man who loves us all. Together, with this man who makes me feel lucky, I loaded my beautiful daughters in the car and we went out to dinner. The food was so-so, the service was slow, but the company was wonderful. There is no better company.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Lucky and so completely deserving. You're a well of strength, but I think everyone needs something external to help them keep going. You're doing great with all of this.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteThere's much to be said about a good silver lining.
ReplyDelete((((((((lynn))))))))
I don't have anything to say except that the word verification is paria - which makes me think of
ReplyDelete1. paranoia
2. piranha
3. pariah - a country whose behavior is out of line with international norms
4. the caste that is the outcasts of Indian society in general
5. Pariah (band), British heavy-metal band that used to be called Satan
Definately no better company than the ones you love who also love you back.
ReplyDeletexx.
I'm sorry for your painful nightmares. I am so glad you have a supportive loving family.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for knowing what's important and standing firm. I admire you.
ReplyDelete