Sorry I haven't been around. I've been busy trying not to drive my car off a bridge...

...as evidenced by these emails to my therapist, who seems to think that getting some friends and being accommodating of my husband taking a 75% pay cut on a whim would help my personal problems. There are some things I cannot accommodate. I'm not The Fed. In my house, one plus one will always equal two.

First email:

Therapist, it is scaring me a lot that you think I need to get some friends. I'm not ready to do that right now. I'm not how I was before the dirtball. I tried to get friends, you know. No one wants a friend who can't babysit their kids, swap favors with them, go places on the spur of the moment... I once missed a friend's wedding because I fell down a rabbit hole the day before. She was the only real friend I had left and she has some pretty big problems of her own (yes, from molestation and abuse). Coincidentally (probably not), my other friend had the same problems, too. She died. She was killed by drugs and the ruthless poison that is psychiatry. Sadly - I AM THE ONE who told her she should get some kind of help because she had a cocaine problem. I helped her get into a detox and then she got the deadly 'help'. I ended up having to stop hanging out with her because she was allowing her brother to hit her children and I told their father so he could put a stop to it because she refused to. Her husband divorced her and she moved to a nearby town. After she had been 'treated' for a while with toxins for 'bipolar' (trauma!), her kidneys failed. A couple years later she died alone in a shitty apartment with no air conditioning. She had been decomposing for FIVE DAYS before anyone found her. No one came looking because they cared, it was the smell that drew them. And forget about 'normal' friends. I've consciously gone looking for them. They don't like me and don't understand severe sleep disorders, anxiety, agoraphobia, etc., and my problems are such that I cannot hide them if I get close to someone. I am a freak to them. A freak or a nobody. Most of the time it is almost too much for me just to do the shopping. I can't afford the friends I end up with. I wouldn't have any energy left for myself and my kids. And you have met me in person. YOU SAW how I am with people, and this was after having talked with you for nearly three years! Can you please give me a break on the friend thing? I feel really, really scared because we talked about that. I don't need any more shit right now. I only need you to understand where I am and not abandon me by expecting me to do things that I am unable to do. I need that very much.



Second email:

I talked to Husband. He did not want the job at school because he wants to be a teacher. Although he did say he thought being a teacher might be ’neat’, he wanted it for the tuition discount for the twins. Also, he thought he should take Youngest Daughter out of her school (where she is doing poorly because he won’t help me be consistent about teaching her responsibility and work priorities) and move her to this more difficult and much more expensive school. He is trying to save HIMSELF from flunking the third grade. Youngest Daughter is not the one who has a learning disability - HE IS. And he was pissed off with me when I calculated the net loss to us if he had made these moves. He disputed them, saying that he could work seven days a week and the business would not take a hit. Then I asked him how much money he made this week while working at the school to fulfill our obligatory parent volunteer hours. His answer was NONE. He hasn’t made one red cent this week because he comes home from school and falls asleep from exhaustion. When I brought that to his attention he said, “I’m tired. I worked all weekend and then worked at school, too.” When I pointed out that this was not consistent with the business not taking a hit if he works at the school, he blamed me for the whole fiasco for not letting him be more involved with the finances. I gave him the rundown of the duties and asked him which ones he wanted. He didn’t want any of them. Then he said it was all because I don’t talk to him about our finances. This used to be true, but it hasn’t been true anymore for at least a year. I again gave him a rundown of the current agenda and asked him which of these things he had not been made aware of. His answer was that I had previously made him aware of all of them. Still, he was not going to take responsibility for the urge to act drastically and suddenly without consulting me. He simply started crying and said that he was under too much stress. I asked him which part was stressful. Though he did admit the very valid dread of business slowing down in summer (as it does EVERY summer), it seemed that the stress was coming from knowing about the current agenda on the financial calendar. I had to sit down and show him how there was nothing to worry about and how following the agenda is why we are doing well. He admitted that he does not like knowing about the agenda because it is far reaching and he wants it all completed NOW so he won‘t have anything to worry about. When I explained to him that growth and development do not work that way, he started crying again. This is why I used to keep quiet about the finances. Administration is not his thing and exposure often causes a meltdown that results in irrational and sabotaging behavior. He needs to sabotage to fulfill the prophecy made for him by his family, past teachers, and college professors who raked him over the coals with the dyslexia. Up until about five or six years ago, I used to try to convince him to go back to school for a different degree because he was not happy with what he was doing and the pay was terrible. He refused because of the difficulty level school poses for him. He decided he wanted to join me selling real estate, but was afraid of the licensing exams. I sent him to a specialized learning center to prepare. He failed the test 23 times before finally giving up. This hammered his self-esteem into the ground and put an end to any possibility of returning to school. I told him his persistence with that test was much more valuable than any test score, I encouraged him and helped him turn a hobby into a profitable business and here we are. Husband loves his work and it’s going quite well, but for the occasional meltdown. I mentioned where the need to sabotage comes from and how Youngest Daughter's poor school performance was the catalyst for this current one. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Though he does not live in denial, he doesn’t want to talk about his parents, family, and discouraging teachers. After all of that on Wednesday, my own crap still came up at night. The anxiety and the hypochondria were on a rampage. Then I heard a heart stopping scream from Twin J when her knee dislocated and I had to jump up and go take care of her. Then I collapsed in a fit of crying after Husband and the kids left for the day. I had a hard time convincing myself that I do not have a deadly disease. I felt like I was on the verge of a complete emotional, mental, and physical collapse and so I took the anxiety pill. My kitchen is a disgusting mess and I still have a stack of paperwork and a to-do list waiting for me. Welcome to a full day and night at my house, Therapist. As you see, I have my hands full here, am mostly alone in taking responsibility for dealing with my own horrors, and do not have the time or the energy for friends. I have NOTHING extra to give. Not a single goddamn thing.