It seems so much later than it is. I guess that's because I've managed to keep myself busy and get some things done. I still have a few procrastinated things to finish up this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to keep going. I'm still a little weirded out and wary from the other morning, but sometimes that has a bizarre effect on me. First I run and then I want to dare the devil by pushing the envelope in some way. This time it was sex. I have no further comment on that at the moment.

I've been working in the kitchen and also trying to finish up with a pile of paperwork. And then there are my lists. I always have lists. I've done a fair bit. I should be glad, but somewhere in the back of my head I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying not to be standing in the wrong place when it does.

I didn't mention it, but I pulled my credit report again a couple of weeks ago. I figured I'd procrastinate working on it, but the very next day I had trouble sleeping and there was market action, so I decided to stay up and work. I watched the markets while looking at the credit report and I found some things that still had not been corrected from the last pull and the efforts that came after. I got to work right away and I have already had two negative items deleted since then. A third needed verification through the credit bureau because I could not reach the creditor. This was an item I never did get to last time because a rabbit hole swallowed me up. I have the verification now and can pay it knowing it is not a mistake. I also found one other thing that I did not notice last time that is most definitely a mistake. I want to get that letter written this weekend. I have some papers to fill out for the kids' school, too. I've had them for a while, but I just couldn't deal with it. I also need to come up with a plan to cut medical expenses without screwing us over. They're downright stupid. We don't have anyone with a disease, or even anyone who takes medication - all we have are the twins' knees (which they will grow out of, so there's not that much to be done) - but we pay more per month for medical insurance and deductible payments than the average person pays for a mortgage in our area! I have to make that stop somehow. I also have to tweak some things to continue paying for my kids' obnoxiously expensive school without putting myself in the poorhouse. My plan is mostly formed, but I have to be able to call people on the phone and BE OKAY in order to make it happen. I have to have access to all my skills and knowledge and actually TALK to people. I have to be okay enough to receive return phone calls with no notice and have access to that part of my mind at the drop of a hat. Probably for days on end. I need to take care of these things. These are the things I CANNOT finish satisfactorily if the child takes over.

I remember how bad things were when I was a terrible mess for a year and a half. I cannot forget. I can't let that happen again. I deserve better than that. So do my husband and kids. This is my issue with 'dealing with' my problem. I despise disorder. I truly do. I don't know what it would take for me to be able to deal, but I worry that whatever it is... maybe I still don't have it. What if I don't? I'm not willing to descend into chaos. I refuse. I still don't have the mess entirley cleaned up from last time. I can't let it happen again. Remembering is what started it. That's a good chunk of why I run.