And now I'm just plain sad in an oddly detached way. I'm almost finished with the taxes. I can wrap it up today. The little girl retreated Monday night, but who was I kidding? I woke up Tuesday to the knowledge that there is endless crap lined up to take her place.
1. There is normal breast tenderness which reminds of this time last year and the lump debacle. Why should that bother me, though? Isn't it normal in my society to have my breasts handled by many different people and to be expected to live life normally for weeks even with the status of my health in limbo? I wasn't 'supposed' to react to that, you know. It's no 'reason' to be anxious. It's normal and good that things are handled without regard for what human beings are really like inside. It's just fine not to have anything expedient in place for something so important. It's no wonder I would rather O.D. and do it right than have health care needs these days.
2. There is a teenage girl and a tired, beleaguered, and barely alive inner mother-ness made weak by the trauma of the birth month of April and all that it brings. There is the discomfort of mid-cycle and ovulation, the oldest child born on one day and the youngest born the previous day seventeen years later, and there are the twins in the middle who were supposed to be born around this time but came early. I fought to make sure they weren't damaged by being unduly interfered with in their vulnerability, so at least they are healthy. The birthdays of beloved children should be happy occasions. It shouldn't be like this with the echo of trauma clamoring for my attention. I guess the birthdays are marked by the day of the first birth and the unbelievably horrendous 'medical care' that tainted it.
3. And then there is rain. And we just won't even go there.
Now, I feel as if I am walking on top of a person-sized hamster ball. When I look down, I see them all in there. I can't feel their pain and I can't hear them, but I know about them as best I can. I walk a little bit slower than I otherwise would so not to toss them around too much, but I can't check on them lest I fall. I have to keep my eyes on what's in front of me. Even when I have to walk all over myself to do it. I don't think people are meant to live this way.
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With regard to #1, that is bullshit. It is NOT normal for all sorts of different people to handle your breasts. It is NOT normal to live life normally while waiting for results. It IS a reason to be anxious. Don't force yourself to believe otherwise. You're doing just great. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYes, it was bullshit in my mind, but first there was the gyno, then the imaging people, then the surgeon (who was the one who determined the benign nature of the thing). That was stressful enough. Even going for the initial exam took an act of inner congress, but all of that and then waiting for weeks to know that I was okay... unbelievable. And this is the way it is from others I have heard from, too. I already hated all things body and medicine. Now I'd rather just risk disease than put up with the torture. This sort of thing, more than anything, makes me hate having a body. It's dreadful.
ReplyDeleteAll the best people are born in April!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope your beloved have really good birthdays. I am sure you will make them happy celebratory days.