Sunday, February 15, 2009
Tonight (last night to you) was better. I didn't sleep much, I will lie down again soon, but I have had some distraction (and a bit of beer) and it was much more bearable than it's been. Plus I got desperate Friday night and I took half of an anti-anxiety tablet. I did the same Saturday afternoon. I think I have figured out why my kitchen can so easily turn into my grandparents' kitchen. It seems to happen most when there are cooking odors at a time when I am already feeling bad or am otherwise vulnerable to flashbacks (like when it's cold outside). I have had a lot of recurring nightmares where food and abuse come from the same place. Something was nearly always cooking in the grandparents' kitchen. They both lived through the depression as young people and they had (and still have) this *thing* about food. They seem to want people to eat a lot of food. That sheds some more light on my past battles with anorexia and my current dull appetite. Tonight I scrubbed the kitchen. I did the whole thing save for the floor, and I will try to make time for that Sunday. Everything smells of bleach now. There are no food or kitchen kinds of smells at all. I am hoping that I can feel hunger again now. I feel sick when I have to make myself eat just because I know I need to. It would be better if I could feel hungry first.
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I hope you find your hunger.
ReplyDeleteMe, too. I'm still waiting.
ReplyDeleteHunger=Will to live.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I hope you find it, too, sweetie. One thing I can tell you that might help - for whatever it might be worth: When you completely stop eating for a period of time, it takes about 3 days for the hunger pangs to subside. After that, you could (theoretically) go for quite a while.
ReplyDeleteIf you stop eating for more than a day or so, your body will react negatively to food, so if you want to try to "re-start" your appetite, start with juice first -and "chew" it a little to give your digestive system a chance to wake up.
I used to stop eating entirely to try to lose weight, and while it worked for the immediate purpose, it messed up my system (not to mention my head).
The longest I ever went without eating anything 9other than diet Pepsi) was 14 days, and the first time I ate something solid, it was a little uncomfortable.
Once my body got used to eating again, the desire to eat returned (and now there are days when I wish I could shut it off!!) so it is possible to eat and "prime the pump" of your appetite from a strictly physiological sense.
As far as the breaking of the psychological link between food and other things, I don't know what to tell you there. If there is any kind of food that doesn't trigger the bad associations (or may give you some comfort), that might be something to start with.
I hope you can find what you are looking for. [[[HUG]]]
I think you are totally on to something there, Amanda.
ReplyDeleteHi, Lawyerchik. Thank you for sharing with me. Even when not hungry, I can't usually go for more than a day without at least eating something because I will start feeling weak and sometimes that makes me panic, so it forces me to eat something. Still, sometimes it's not enough and the hunger pangs (and desire) just fade away like you say.
Thankfully, there are only a few types of foods that trigger the nasty associations. These are mostly 'picnic' sorts of foods. Smells get me more than the actual food, and I'm really beginning to suspect that the cooking and eating environment is key.
Thanks again, my friend. I do appreciate your comment. It made me think.