Please don't be alarmed...

...because I have no sinister 'plans', but I need help. I'm in so much pain. I try to cover, rationalize, stay busy, not care, etc. The truth is I'm in pain and I can't think of any other safe place to bring it except for here. I have nowhere else to go. I can't go to my therapist because I get the feeling I have been branded by him for finally needing another person. Now I am being made to believe that it is not 'normal' to need other people when I encounter extreme distress. This makes me angry, it hurts me, and it's creating a terrible conflict that I'm having trouble tolerating because it can't make sense in a way that isn't frightening. I'm even beginning to think my therapist might have bigger issues than mine - that he might be one of the legion of arsonists in this particular fire brigade - one of the many, many crazy-makers in the therapy business - and this is tormenting me mentally in a really bad way. It doesn't help my problems with trust, either. Based on experience and common sense, I am asking the question, "Who is a therapist?" and the #1 answer coming up is, "A therapist is a person who is so uncomfortable with strong emotions that they have made a career of extinguishing them in others." This whole thing is creating a terrible storm inside because there is a little girl here whose 'mother' is the therapist.

Remember the circumstances I recently blogged about with the birth trauma? (I actually think 'birth rape' is the more accurate name for this as it depicts so well what happened.) I suffered mostly alone when that thing surfaced and it was truly horrible for me. I think my readers know how much I generally keep my innermost to myself except for this blog. I have trusted the therapist before, but I weathered that storm without him. I did it because of the Teenage Girl. She was the one who suffered that birth and there was a time in the past when she went to the therapist with a rape and he told her that there is a difference between support and indulgence and to go to a psychiatrist. This is why she could not be allowed to go to him with the birth rape. I mostly stayed in the bedroom for many days and I got through it on my own without disturbing my family. I even avoided the therapist and skipped my appointment to handle it alone. Except I screwed up by leaving one stupid, crying phone message. All I said was, "I need to talk to you." That's all - just that. I shouldn't have done it, but I was really terrorized and in an unbelievable amount of pain. I just needed the relief of the tiniest sliver of hope that sometime soon I might be able to have another PERSON and not be alone to tolerate something that big. Still, I'm thinking it would have been better to stay alone because now I am suddenly this needy person who has no 'self-regulating' abilities. And this is after hearing things from him like, "You've been in this defensive position for a long time now," because I chose to avoid engaging with him for so long and couldn't seem to do anything meaningful with him except send emails so he would at least have knowledge of certain things. Plus, quite sadly, I sent the emails hoping for some kind of response that would have made me feel like it might be safe to really and truly talk to him again.

I have enormous self-help abilities. I don't think many people would be able to walk in my shoes, but I do it. I keep going. And I have felt a very deep need for another person for a long, long time now, but I did not give in to that by being 'needy'. I. just. kept. going. I dealt with it on my own without deeply confiding in anyone but for some writings in here when I was really in need of some kind of real contact with a person. It all started breaking down a bit when the birth rape started trying to bubble up to the surface. I didn't know what it was all about until it hit me, but I managed as best I could. Then some drinking started. I guess better that than be the scum of the earth by needing another person, right? I mean - COME ON! Needing another person when you are ready to crash and burn mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is PATHOLOGICAL!!! Not to mention dangerous.

Right now I need just one thing. Just one. I need a reason to keep living. That's all I need. And it can't be my family. It can't be a reason born of guilt, duty, or responsibility. If anyone can think of any things that could be a reason to live - a reason that might work just for me - please tell me. I'm all out right now. And now I'm going to do the shopping. You know - because I'm so needy and pathologically crippled that I can still go buy groceries even though I don't have a reason to live.