I actually went to bed early. Would you know, I woke up after only an hour? I was very, very tired and starting to get sleepy, so I just went and let it happen. I'm still tired, but... You know what? I've been feeling quite depressed. I feel sad and all tired out. Maybe it is the stress from having made it through the holidays. Maybe the recent upset with the therapist. Maybe the flashback/ nightmare incident threw more water on the fire of my personal energy. The thing with the husband didn't help, either (in the last post).
As I type this, I hear him snoring in the other room and I hear the hiccuping sound caused by the apnea and acid reflux. You know what I was thinking after that incident? I was thinking that maybe I wasn't being paranoid when I suspected that he perceives benefits when I am too messed up to operate properly. He does what he pleases then. He doesn't mow the lawn, or have the car serviced, or check the tires, or clean up after himself, or pay his sales tax, and half the time he doesn't even take out the trash. He waits until 'the nag' is back in commission to see to these things, and then usually only when asked, sometimes several times. I'm a 'nag' because I can't take responsibility for the entire household all by myself. This doesn't feel good. It feels very lonely. I was thinking today how it might be better to just find ways to do my own thing in ways that will not require his involvement in anything.
I'm not sure how to take such a project large-scale, but I already have a smaller model of that going. It's this - I rarely ask him for support anymore. I try to keep my problems to myself so he can't use them as an excuse for anything. Plus, knowing that he perceives benefits from my suffering makes me not want to be that close to him. I asked him about this a couple of times and he denied it vehemently. He just skates through life when I'm down because "he's tired". He's lying. I have seen the relief on him when he feels like he doesn't have to do anything anymore. You want the proof? Recently, when I tried to approach the subject of him taking on responsibilities, he said, "Don't I bring you food when you have your problems? Aren't I nice to you?" Yes. He's nice to me. As long as I am a mess and content to live in chaos, then he's nice to me. When I'm doing okay and that's not enough for me anymore, then he's too tired for 'nice' and will settle for defensive. I'm sick of fighting it.
You know what's really sad? I can't be very plainly honest with him the way I have written it in here. When I do, he melts down as if I have attacked every aspect of his character and found nothing worth merit. I don't understand. He agreed to go to a therapist once, but he quit when the therapist focused in right away on personal organization, planning, and responsibility (a smart therapist). I'm beginning to think he's just not interested and I need to find ways to deal with knowing that the only things he will be doing is selling for the business, driving the kids to school, and sometimes making dinner. Oh -- and playing with his rock band, going out with his buddies, and chit-chatting on the phone with them all the time. I never resented those things until now. Until now, I was glad for him.
I don't yet know how to phase out the expectations that he is not willing to meet, but for quite some time I have been making sure not to give him any excuses to further abandon being a regular adult. I used to only hide my PTSD from the children, and I tried to get my husband to lend some emotional support when things got bad. Now, I guess he IS one of the children, because I hide it from him, too. He doesn't even know about the flashback that happened a few weeks ago. No one was home with me that day, but I am so used to hiding, that I found myself calling my therapist from the closet in my bedroom. I was whispering.
Like I said, I feel very sad and alone. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I thought of writing in the new novel. It's been a few days. I just can't get in the right space right now. I bought a book to read, but the story is stepping on my stuff. Maybe I'll have better luck figuring out what to do when I get better from this cold I have caught from the children.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteThank you, {{{{Kahless}}}}.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) Is there ever a point at which he will take responsibility? I had to go on strike. I stopped doing anything. When asked questions, I said "I don't know" or "I guess you'll have to figure it out." Things got pretty hairy, dirty, nasty and unorganized. But he did step up to the plate, and for the most part, things are better in that area.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if that would work on your end or not. It sounds like your husband knows what he is doing and is doing it anyway. I hope you can find some peace.
Hi, Enola. I tried that, too, and I ended up being the bad guy. It took a while to dig out, too. Oh, he 'helped' a little, but the point for me was that it was still MY responsibility and he was just helping me with it. I have accepted that he doesn't know the meaning of the word 'clean'. I guess that is just a detail of the larger problem. The problem is - aside from going to work, he has a hard time being a grown-up. That's MY job.
ReplyDeleteHe's not a bad person, and the really sad thing is that I know where this comes from. His father was abusive. His mother was not and she tried to protect him as best she could without leaving. His father gave him unrealistic chores, tried to keep him from having fun and free time... his mother did her best to try to preserve some of that for him. And she also consoled him with food. Lots and lots of food.
So you see, when I need him to take on the role of a responsible adult, in his mind I am stepping into his father's shoes, demanding the nearly impossible, and sucking the joy from his life. He runs to his 'mother' (food) for protection and comfort. I have told him this before, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it.
--And, he gets upset with me now when I complain. He gets upset because he will do some things when I ask, so he doesn't understand what the problem is. The problem is, if I am not on top of the whole situation and directing everything, then all progress ceases. He doesn't see it. He doesn't understand.
Here is an example - When I was reaslly bad off, he used a bank card to buy something online. He said something to me about it first, and I told him not to do it. I asked him to wait because I didn't think there was much money in that one. I needed to balance the books. Granted, the card was one that was in his name only, but I'm the one who makes the deposits and I was behind. He bought the item anyway. It overdrew the account. Instead of fixing it, he abandoned it and moved on to another. The only grown-up was under the weather, you see. I can't afford to have PTSD. Too bad that can't make it go away.