Sometimes I feel hopeless. My sister assured me that my husband, my children, and I were the only ones who were invited to her house for Christmas Eve. It's not like I don't have any embarrassment around my repressed sister, because I do, but... as much as I just tried to dump it off and move on, Christmas Eve still came into my thoughts tonight while I was trying to write. Yes, I needed to stay home, but why did I tell my husband not to stay long? Why did I wish the children would decide they didn't want to go? Why was I so fucking relieved when they came back after less than an hour-and-a-half? Could all of this distress be caused only by the embarrassment of my sister knowing how screwed up I am? I guess not. I remembered. This is an excerpt from a letter I just fired off to the Dream Mother. The letter started off with the problems I am encountering being frightened for the safety of a fictional character in the current work.
I do not want anything horrifying to happen to this poor man. I think, if he goes through the door, then ______, The Ass Kicking Amazon from Hell from novel #1 (born on Christmas Eve 1996 in the dirtball's mother's basement) had better be waiting for him. And she had better protect him. That's what she does. She protects children and hapless boneheads.
And just by the way - I DO need to control everything that happens at Christmas. I need it to be right here in my house with no intruders. Yep. I FORGOT about why. It got me again. Happens every fucking time. And now I don't feel good.
If I EVER see that piece of shit again, HE will be the one needing a restraining order. And an army to stop me. I want justifiable homicide back on the books.
Edited to add at 8:25 A.M.
For those of you who are completely baffled by this post, the story is here. He destroyed my child's mental health, he escaped the police and the FBI, and he is still out there. Christmas is a bad time for me. Lily just reminded me that I appreciate support from my friends, however really stupid comments from people who live with their heads up their asses while insisting the world is sweet smelling will be shat upon before deletion.
I can't believe I didn't put it together that it happened on *Christmas Eve* and I was having massive amounts of anxiety and blinding hatred on *Christmas Eve*. *Again*. Maybe I should set up a Yahoo calendar reminder by email for every *Christmas Eve* from now on. That's a hell of a thing to have on the calendar. Maybe I should just drug myself and go to bed. Sometimes I think I should have gone ahead and killed him. Beating the blood and the snot out of him wasn't enough. He's still out there among the missing and there's nothing I can do about it. One day he's going to really pay. It wasn't enough to sue him for everything he had, either. Maybe even killing him wouldn't have been enough. Maybe if I had smashed his 'nads with a hammer first...
ReplyDeleteYup. Drugging up and going to bed. Soon. Very soon.
I think I love you. You inspire me. And make me laugh. You say everything I want to say. I LOVE the "ass kicking Amazon from hell." I aspire to be here. I am, like you, a control freak. I like it that way.
ReplyDeleteI believe in karma. He'll get his due. Somewhere, sometime, someone will smash his gonads - literraly or figuratively.
So - Now that you know the connection with Christmas Eve, do you think you can reclaim that day?
we alwasy think of connection first if we are not so stabalised and even if we think its fine we look at the dates adn our unsettling corrosponds, we also like the ass kicking amazon woman.
ReplyDeletehave a awesome new year, we have a year in review sitting on our blog if you want to read it :)
Thanks for the link to the back story, I was hopelessly puzzled.
ReplyDeleteKilling isn't enough for some people...
I'm with enola on this one...
I LOVE that you went "Amazon" on him! And making him call people from his family and tell what a sleaze bag he is was simply brilliant.
I hope that now that you've fit the pieces together you can rest a bit more easily.
-else
really stupid comments from people who live with their heads up their asses while insisting the world is sweet smelling will be shat upon before deletion.
ReplyDeletelmfao!
I love it when you kick ass! Someone really wound me up recently in blogland; I wish I had your gumption and kicked ass.
I hope he does get his due, Enola. And I hope it's somebody's irate mother who gives it to him. I don't know if I can remake Christmas. I know the connection now, but I've known it at other times, too (but it's nearly always after I've already freaked out and been miserable). I can't seem to hang on to it with the proper timing. I don't forget what happened or anything like that, it's just that I can't keep the understanding of the significance of the 'when' that it happened. And though this is by far the biggest piece of my problem with Christmas, there are still many other things that cause me to dislike it. I do think things would be significantly better, though, if I could remember this bit going in.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading about your awesome year, JIP. Thank you for coming over and letting me know it was up. I find it amazing how many of my freak outs have corresponding historical issues by the date, time of day, or time of year, too. My problem is the holes in my autobiographical memory.
Thank you, Else. I'm glad I included the link so it would make sense to everyone. I made him make those calls so he couldn't just deny everything later. He denied it anyway, but he had already made the calls to his brother and to my sister. With those phone calls I made him confess to a pediatrician and to a nurse who cares for the helpless. I knew they would be outraged and would never lie to the police about what he told them.
I think you do have gumption, Kahless. I've seen it, lady.
:-)
You could always make a ready response for next time. Maybe you could simply say that you felt the comment was inappropriate and deleted it or something like that.
Unfortunately it wasnt my blog so I guess I felt I couldnt be rude.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I guess you're right about that, K. It's best to let the blog author handle it and just offer them support in the comments for however it is they choose to deal with the situation. I know what you mean, though. I've felt a little riled up by mean comments left on peoples' blogs before. I'm pretty sure you would handle things just fine if someone were bothering you, though. You are a smart lady and have plenty of gumption lying around if you need it.
ReplyDelete:-)