For the last day or two, I have wanted to come back to blogging. I was not really able until then. Now that I am able, I don't know what to write. Except that I have been having memories and flashbacks, that much I can tell you. At this moment... I just don't know what to think about it all. I really don't. November was a record for posting for me. 30 posts. Now it is the sixth and this is the first post this month. I figured I'd better say something, though. Regular writer's block is miserable enough without encouraging blogger's block, right?

Hmm... What to say? Maybe just whatever comes to mind? Okay - I had some bad nights/ mornings. I have experienced terror and something else. Something sort of new. I did not run in my traditional sense. Can a person have an 'emotionless flashback' only to have the emotions come separate from the actual memories? Is it still a flashback when it is like that? Or is it just a memory not sharing space in time with the meltdown that belongs to it? And is the meltdown without the memory attached immediately to it in time still a flashback or just a freak out? Don't worry - those are rhetorical questions as I'm just wondering out loud.

The strange thing is, the memory of the actual abuse (if I can believe myself) was, though incomplete, very numb, for lack of a better description. I literally had no feelings about it. When I say no feelings, I mean no emotional ones. There were physical ones. The emotional memories and feelings came in relation to the lack of... help? Love? Safety? Also because the physical feelings brought a delayed panic with them later. Like I said, I don't know what to make of this just now. Yes, I have had periods of being non-functional during this past week, but they were not as long or as consistent as they have been. I am sitting at the table in my very clean kitchen. My bills are paid. My grocery list for Sunday is intact. I helped the kids with their school projects. I went with the husband and the kids to the bookstore. These are all good things, but I am somehow disturbed on some level by many aspects of this latest incident. There are things I do not understand.

The one thing I think I do understand is my relationship to my therapist. I think having that relationship restored on an emotional level might have something to do with why I have been somewhat able to step out of this mess to function without having to stash the whole thing and exist in the twilight zone to escape it. There was some zoning out, but not as bad as usual. I have no clue what will happen from here. I just don't know. I'm still trying to digest things and hang on to the bit of settled feelings that I'm having now, but I guess I don't yet feel very sociable. If I don't post again for a bit, I'm probably still okay, just... regrouping? Or something. Shit. I have no fucking idea exactly what it is that I'm doing. Maybe not everything needs a name, eh?

My hours are still largely the same. It's about time to get ready for bed. Time to go. Gotta brush. I've been eating entirely too many onions. Aren't you glad you can't smell me?

Blog Pals, I hope to be able to come around and visit at your place over the weekend. And thank you Kahless and Lily. You know what for. What you might not know is how much it meant to me. I'm just sorry I couldn't really respond.