The husband slept in here with me Thursday night. Even though he snores, I was okay with it. It seemed everything would be fine. I had nightmares again. And I don't like their implications. They point toward my mother's family. That can't be true. It just can't. How can that many bad people exist around one little girl? My father wasn't safe and there was a person or persons in my mother's family who were dangerous, too? It can't be right. I don't know what to think and I am really sick of all this shit. It seems I can't even do something normal like go to sleep in the same bed with my husband without having it stir up shit. He's on the couch again. I didn't ask him to go there and I didn't even tell him about the nightmares, he just went on his own. Maybe there was noise and he heard it. I don't know. The thing is, there is no safe way to just make myself stop having dreams or nightmares. I know how to stop them from bothering me, but that also stops me from being connected with any good things, too.

All I can think about right now though, are the things I want to do when I am not tired from sleeping so poorly with the bad dreams. The things I might do someday when I have energy because it isn't all being used up just trying to survive mentally. I did the basics Friday. I took care of basic business, I washed up all the dishes, took care of the mail and the messages, I even went out to dinner with the husband and the kids. Thursday was a little better because I slept so well Wednesday night/ Thursday morning. I washed the kitchen floor, put away receipts and the budget for the month, got myself reorganized, and even ordered a new laptop with everything I have been wanting. Still, with the fatigue, there is so much left undone.

You know what kinds of things I would do if I had all the rest and energy I need? I would get this bedroom and the youngest daughter's bedroom back into the top shape they were in after the room makeovers. These rooms are starting to get a little behind again; a little worse for wear. I would give my other daughters a new bedroom, too. I would clean the upholstery in the living room and fix things up really nice in there. I would reorganize my daughters' bathroom and show them all the really cute ways I have planned to keep all of their personal things. I would take them shopping for clothes without feeling like it is just some burden to check off of my list. It hurts me to write these things down. These are the things I dream of and I know that lots of people can do them and I can't. It's rarely been any other way but this for me. The things I manage to do come at a great personal cost. With the effort things take from me, it is always a dismaying surprise to see how little is actually done.

I dream of waking up free and energetic some day. I want that. Instead, if I really want to get something done, I wake up and drink coffee to try to get a little boost up. I eat, take vitamins, drink water, and even sometimes take a decongestant (sick or not) to raise my blood pressure a little (it's naturally low), hoping for more strength. It rarely comes in any sufficient or lasting amount. I have to use all of my will to drag myself around and do whatever I can. I could understand this if I was overweight or had a disease or something, but this is not the case. I don't know very many people who have been as thoroughly raked over the coals in search of medical problems as many times as I have. The only disease I have is the same one I have had for as long as I can remember -- the burden of being me. Don't get me wrong, I am very glad to not have an organic illness at the root of this. I want nothing to do with illness. The things is... I don't know of any treatment for being me. I can't be fixed.