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Those familiar with this story might want to just scroll down to the blue ink.


THE STORY OF THE LITTLE GIRL - PART ONE (from July 21, 2007)

There once was a little girl who carried a strange and terrible secret that she could not understand. The incomprehensible secret was a terrible cloud of blackness that followed her wherever she went. It blamed her and told her she was bad and could never be safe. The little girl wanted to feel safe. She didn't want to be bad and she wanted the cloud to go away. She knew people couldn't really see her when they looked at her. She knew she was not really visible through such a dirty cloud. She carried a seed of hope in her heart. She hoped she could make someone aware of the presence of the cloud and describe what it looked like so she could be distinguished from the cloud and be visible again. More than anything she wanted her mommy to see her.The little girl wondered what she could say to her mommy to make her understand about the cloud. She wondered how she would describe the cloud to her mommy, but the cloud was so thick, that even her own vision was becoming obscured. This scared the little girl, because she was forgetting the difference between her Self and the cloud. She could not wait to make her Self known to her mommy, so she did the best she could with the quality of vision that was still left to her before it could deteriorate further. Still, she couldn't see well enough to describe the cloud, so she asked the moon to do it for her. She knew the moon had a superior vantage point from its place in the sky. She remembered that the moon had been her companion and had witnessed the formation of the cloud that obscured her.The little girl was very small, but her cloud made her hungry to learn to communicate in a way that could tell more than her voice would allow, as it couldn't always be heard clearly through the cloud. She set about writing a story for her mommy. She let the moon speak for her because it had such a clear view. She wrote about the moon and how it had followed her. She wrote about the all-seeing presence of the moon and then allowed it to convey whatever information it would. She took her story to her mommy, sure that she would finally be seen and that her mommy would pluck her from the oppression of the cloud.The mommy read the story, but she was very upset by it. The mommy shouted at the little girl. She shamed her and labeled her as being disturbed. The little girl believed the mommy. She believed her because of the cloud. The mommy was angry with the little girl and cast her away. The mommy hated the little girl and even the moon had shunned her. The little girl was very sad and resigned herself to live inside the dirty, scary cloud.The little girl's body grew up and caught the interest of a very bad man. The little girl could not see that he was bad, because the cloud had stolen her vision. She went with the bad man and bad things happened. The little girl lived very far away from her mommy, but she was very terrified because of the bad man and she started to remember that she was in a cloud she could no longer see. She wanted her mommy. She was very scared and she called her mommy and started asking questions about the cloud. The mommy told the little girl that the cloud did not exist and that she must be making it up because she was bad. The mommy told the little girl that she should be ashamed of herself. She was. She was very ashamed. She was very sad, too, because she didn't really have a mommy anymore. She was so ashamed and sad, that she didn't talk for a very long time.



THE STORY OF THE LITTLE GIRL - PART TWO (from July 22, 2007)

One day the little girl met someone whom she wished could be her mommy. The new mommy did not tell the little girl to be ashamed. The little girl was glad. Even though she still lived inside the cloud, she started to feel safe because of the new mommy. She knew the new mommy was not bad and would not say bad things to her. The little girl loved the new mommy very much and she didn't want the new mommy to go away. The little girl was often afraid that if the new mommy could really see her through the cloud that he would be horrified by her badness, and that even the good, new mommy would cast her away. This would be a very bad thing, because the new mommy was good.The little girl trusted the new mommy. She became more courageous and decided to talk to the new mommy about the cloud. The new mommy did not send her away, but the little girl's voice still could not be heard clearly and her vision was still impaired by the cloud. She couldn't see it well enough to describe it from the inside, but she had written stories of the cloud from a place high up in the sky. She tried to communicate this to the new mommy. The new mommy did not seem to understand about stories that were told from the sky. Sometimes, after talking to the new mommy, the little girl felt like it was her voice that was the problem and she felt desperate to make the new mommy hear her. She sent notes to the new mommy, but the new mommy did not like notes. Sometimes this was painful for the little girl and she would hide from the new mommy for a long time after her notes were rejected.One day the little girl discovered that the new mommy understood about pictures. The little girl remembered a picture she had painted. It was a special picture. It was the only one she had ever painted that told a piece of the story from the place above the cloud. The little girl could not show the new mommy, because the painting was on her ceiling. She decided to photograph the painting and send it to the new mommy in a note, but the new mommy did not like notes, so this, too, was rejected. The little girl was devastated. She got angry at the new mommy, but the new mommy still did not respond. The little girl felt abandoned. It was very painful to the little girl to experience the terror of the loss of the new mommy. She wanted the new mommy back, so she decided it was best if she could pretend for the new mommy. She knew how, because she had done it before. She pretended to be a grown up so the new mommy would like her better. She had to hide herself away to be able to do that.She hid herself away, but she was very scared and sad to be alone again in the cloud without the new mommy. Once again, she began to forget the difference between her Self and the cloud. Again, everything she experienced came to her through the filth of the cloud. The sadness of the cloud weighed so heavily on her that she became distraught. The despair of blending in with the dirty cloud and not having the presence of the new mommy was more than she could tolerate. She decided to try one more time to go above the cloud and write one more story that might better explain her and make her visible to the new mommy. It scared her and made her cry to write it, but she was desperate to reconnect with the new mommy. She wrote. Then she sent it to him in a note because she didn't know any other way to tell it and she was desperate to make him understand. She was terrified that the new mommy would reject her or label her as disturbed. It hurt so much when the old mommy did that.



THE STORY OF TWO GIRLS - PART THREE

The old Part Three was the happy ending in which we worked out our shit. The problem is that this story was about so much more than email, but I didn't understand that back then. For starters, it was about an abused little girl who was raped while living in a grown up body. She told the new mommy and he was beyond wonderful. He was very supportive and encouraging and he did not blame her or reject her at all. He was very kind, patient and caring. This comforted the little girl and helped her feel better. She felt love and understanding coming from the new mommy and this gave her hope. She started taking the new mommy with her in her heart when she had to go outside. This made her less lonely and scared. Unknown to anyone, there was also a teenage girl in the story. The teenage girl had been living in a scary dungeon for many years. She lived there all alone and hurting. The old mommy left her there. The old mommy helped cause the same thing for the teenage girl that she had so spitefully done to the little girl many years before. It wasn't because of any story, though. The teenage girl never tried to tell the old mommy that she had sneaked out of the house and had ended up accepting a ride with a man who took her to his house, forced her to take a bath in his bathtub, raped her, held her captive overnight, and raped her again. She already knew very bad things would happen if she did that. It would have been a very, very dangerous thing to tell. Not just because the old mommy rejects girls, but also because of the father. He was bad. The teenage girl took her untold story and her bloody clothes, and went to live in the dungeon. Twenty-four years later, she saw her chance to be free. She watched what happened with the little girl and she saw that the new mommy was not the same as the old mommy. One day she broke out of the dungeon to get to the new mommy. She ran to him and she told, but it seems the new mommy was a bit overwhelmed. The teenage girl was very upset and crying, though. She was very scared and she needed the new mommy to help her like he had helped the little girl, but things with the new mommy did not turn out the way she needed them to. He was harsh with her and he did not want to hear about her suffering. He got upset and told her to go to a psychiatrist and take medicine because she could not live in the present moment. Then he cancelled the next appointment and told her that she would have to leave a message on his voice mail if she really needed help. He told her that there was a difference between support and indulgence. She still doesn't know what that means, but it hurt her very bad to be treated that way by the new mommy when she was scared and bleeding. She went back to live in the dungeon. The little girl saw the whole thing, but she wants to believe that the new mommy will still love her if she tells the rest of the secrets that hurt her and scare her, but she worries sometimes. The little girl loves the new mommy desperately and she doesn't want to go to any dungeons anymore. She's afraid of the dark. The teenage girl doesn't want to be in a dungeon, either, but she is afraid to approach the new mommy now, even though she needs him very much. She's never really had a mommy and she's been all alone. Her biggest hope ended in a shocking and terrible devastation. She mostly just watched the new mommy from her place in the dungeon after that. She was afraid. She was very hurt, too. When she could stand it no more, she began to scream and cry. The new mommy heard her and he eventually found out about the pain she carried from the day she went to him. He said he was very sorry, but the teenage girl was too afraid to speak to him. When the pain became too great, she decided to take a chance. She wanted to speak directly to the new mommy about what had happened that day. She wanted to tell him everything about why it hurt so much and why no place was safe and how no one had loved her. She wanted the new mommy to understand how much she needed him. She wanted to talk about it and talk about it until she felt sure that he would not turn on her. She wanted to feel safe somewhere and she wanted it to be with the new mommy. But things with the new mommy did not turn out the way the teenage girl needed them to. He was harsh with her and he did not want to hear about her suffering. He got upset and his voice turned ugly and he started saying mean things. The teenage girl got very scared and hung up the phone. The new mommy was very fast to try to fix it, but the teenage girl was too hurt to come to the phone. She came to understand that the new mommy had not intended to cause pain, but she had already felt the falling feeling in her chest again and she did not know how to un-feel it. She felt it over and over when the new mommy went away. It's cold and damp and lonely in the dungeon and she lives there in terrible pain. She's in A LOT of pain, but she doesn't want the new mommy to know. She is afraid she will get hurt somehow if he finds out. The little girl is terrified that the new mommy might leave and never come back if he finds out about the teenage girl's continuing problems. The little girl drops to the floor and sobs when she thinks about that.

It seems like Jenny would be a good person to comfort the teenage girl, but Jenny doesn't like this body and she doesn't come around much. She can't stand sickness, physical discomfort, or messiness. It drives her to unbearable despair and she jumps from the cliff again and again to escape it. I tried to lure Jenny. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, but my body keeps getting sick. There is no inside mother. There is a lot of crying in here. It hurts me so much.



I understand now why things were the way they were when I went to visit the Dream Mother in person. There was so much fear in the first half of that meeting. That was when I heard the sad voice of The Teenage Girl declare the Dream Mother a creepy little troll. Later on, it was the hope and the joy of The Little Girl that decided to sit nearer to him. It was her love that hugged him close. Her love that grabbed his hand and kissed it on her way out the door. It was one of the weirdest meetings I have ever attended. I guess that's because I am one of the weirdest people I have ever met.

You know what else? After that devastating rejection that came about a year before the writing of The Story of The Little Girl... I think my blog and the readers who commented kept me from sinking into an even lower form of despair. I started the old blog a few weeks after that incident. I think it saved me. Strange, huh? Just a year or two before that, I didn't even know what a blog was, but it was bloggers who ended up helping me stay afloat. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had not found some people to accept me in spite of what I had been through, and what I was going through (still/ again) even at that time. Thank you, bloggers. I love you guys.