I don't know why I continue to blog, but I will be here for a bit longer until I figure it out. In the meanwhile, these are the day's highlights:

I was completely freaked out this morning when I needed comfort from my husband and he got back in bed. I told him I was cold, so he hugged me. Then he said, "You're naked. That's why you're cold." It totally freaked me out. It first upset me because he noticed the nudity while he was touching me (that's bad), and second because I don't usually sleep that way and I was only like that because I went to bed so late that I was too tired to put anything on after I took a shower.

One of my children (a really white one) threw out a racial slur at her sisters in the heat of a disagreement. This is very upsetting to me and now I am wondering about her friends and if any of them harbor an ugly hatefulness they have shared with her. I have spoken with her at length about this incident and I don't feel she has any real hatred for others based on race, but it was still alarming to me. It was downright sad to hear the real truth. She threw this out in a last ditch effort to gain the upper hand. It was easy for her to do because such things are said all the time in society at large. This makes me sad, but I am glad we were able to talk about it. When I think of all the people that might have been excluded from my life had I been poisoned by prejudice, I see a very empty landscape. So many missing gay, black, Jewish and Hispanic friends that I would seriously throw myself down on the floor and sob if these people were gone from my heart. I wouldn't wish such a terrible inner landscape on anyone, most especially not one of my children.

In other news, I have learned that the people who really, really love you can be quite passionate in their communications. They tend to tell you about it when you accidentally hurt them. They can do that because the intimacy exists that would allow such a thing. I am actually grateful for this because I am completely fed up with all things fake. And so the therapist and I had a... what shall I call it? We had a recent 'incident'. But it was not the same as what happened with old guy. For one thing, new guy did not yell, abandon, cancel appointments or try to drug me. For another, there is something to be said for an appointment that consists of little else but mutual holding and gratitude for the physical and spiritual reality of the other. Besides, new guy has banked up almost three years worth of moral capital with me and that doesn't go away.