Sunday, November 17, 2013

It seems I have promised a Parking Lot post and here it is. One week after the lovely time in the pumpkin patch, I had a meeting with a business colleague. The meeting just so happened to be in the building next door to the parking lot where my brother shot himself. I ate lunch overlooking the site of my little brother's last few minutes of life. I was okay, but still... he was my brother. And it was exactly one year ago today. Right now. Just after two in the morning. And I just realized this several minutes ago. I can't tell anyone else except the internet because if I did it would stop the listener from being able to get enough sleep and sleep deprivation is HORRIBLE for a person's mental health. I can handle it by myself.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

A Pumpkin Patch and A Parking Lot

Last Thursday I had an awesome moment of... I have no idea what to call it, so I will describe it instead. I went to pick up my kid from school. We stopped at the library. Then we stopped at a pumpkin patch on the way home at the urging of my kid. She wanted a pumpkin. And this was the perfect opportunity for a dissociative episode or the PTSD flashback from hell. Only nothing happened in spite of conditions for 'the perfect storm'. The pumpkin patch is a fall/ Halloween thing -- strike 1. The pumpkin patch was on the sprawling front grounds of a church -- strike 2. The pumpkin patch was out in the open in the weather and it was a stop on the way HOME where things are more contained and controlled by yours truly -- strike 3. But nothing bad happened. I didn't even think that it would or wouldn't. Nothing about any of that even entered my mind. And then I suddenly realized that I was indeed in the middle of 'the perfect storm' and nothing bad was happening. I was perfectly okay. Not panicked, not dissociated, just perfectly okay. I stood there and felt really happy and at peace. Not only was I okay, I wasn't even worrying about practical matters like chores, bills and the relentless ticking of time. I worried about nothing. Me and my kid went to the library and then to a pumpkin patch. I stood there in that moment and realized that THIS is what life is. It is libraries and pumpkin patches with my kid. She picked out the perfect pumpkin. If the kids don't carve a jack o' lantern, then I will make pumpkin seeds and baked pumpkin. I'll mash it and freeze it for pies.

For anyone who might still come here, I will write about the 'Parking Lot' portion of the post-title as soon as I can.