Thursday, August 14, 2014

I know no one reads here anymore, but I'm writing anyway because I have nowhere else to go. I went to visit someone the other day. I managed to do that, made myself do it because it's a good thing to do, but then the unexpected sorrow was waiting for me. There were two sisters there sending messages from their phones to the rest of their sisters. There were children from two different families playing around in the place. I was the only person there without a living sister. In all those people, I was the only one. It's horrible and I feel like it will never get better because she will always be dead.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Square One

Today I had to take one of my kids to the hospital for a procedure to remove a screw in her knee from a previous surgery. It was simple and all went well. But not on the inside of me. I don't think anyone really likes hospitals. I dislike them more than most. But this was worse than usual. Much worse. I had awful panic, heart palpitations, and the whole sucky lot of the physical manifestations of anxiety. But I didn't know why it was worse than usual. The panic continued after we got home. It's been coming and going in waves, but quite severe. It sucks. But now I realize why it's here in such force. The last time I stepped into a hospital was the night my sister died very suddenly in one about six weeks ago. No one realized she was sick until she was dead. Just like that -- gone. This was the only person I was very close with from my family of origin. My only sister. This horrible event, the worst thing that has ever happened to me in all my life, has completely reset my baseline when it comes to anxiety and mental distress. I drifted away from writing here as things slowly became so much better for me that I was able to be really and properly involved in my offline life. I feel disrupted now. Writing helped before. Maybe it will again. Apparently, bottling it up is only going to give me panic and heart palpitations (and those make me panic more). I ran from a checkout line at the store today because I couldn't wait and only wanted to be at home. I haven't done anything like that in many, many years.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

It seems I have promised a Parking Lot post and here it is. One week after the lovely time in the pumpkin patch, I had a meeting with a business colleague. The meeting just so happened to be in the building next door to the parking lot where my brother shot himself. I ate lunch overlooking the site of my little brother's last few minutes of life. I was okay, but still... he was my brother. And it was exactly one year ago today. Right now. Just after two in the morning. And I just realized this several minutes ago. I can't tell anyone else except the internet because if I did it would stop the listener from being able to get enough sleep and sleep deprivation is HORRIBLE for a person's mental health. I can handle it by myself.