Thursday, November 13, 2014

Thank you to all who commented on the last post. Though I am bad at sharing my feelings lately, I really do appreciate those who have visited here. Today was very difficult. I've had a run of bad luck in a few different ways: REALLY big repair bills, kids catching sicknesses and/ or generating giant dental bills, I've been feeling alternately anxious and depressed, etc. The worst of it was today. I almost had a flashback in a dental office even though I was not the patient, one of my kids was. She was laid back in the dental chair, covered with a blanket because she felt chilled. Her mouth, of course, was open wide. This changed the shape of her face. Changed the way her lips looked. Reminded me of my sister dying in the hospital. Her mouth open and her lips stretched over the tubes that went down into her lungs from the ventilator that breathed for her until her heart gave up for good. My daughter's hair is not as dark as mine. It's a little lighter like my sister's was. She was covered with a blanket to her chin, like my sister in that bed. Those things and also a few triggering words contained in the instructions from the dentist that reached much farther back into my past, and I really felt like I was going insane. Like my brain was under enormous pressure and would crack my skull in order to leap from my head if only it could. But I didn't show it. I am an expert at that. Until I get home. I'm home.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I know no one reads here anymore, but I'm writing anyway because I have nowhere else to go. I went to visit someone the other day. I managed to do that, made myself do it because it's a good thing to do, but then the unexpected sorrow was waiting for me. There were two sisters there sending messages from their phones to the rest of their sisters. There were children from two different families playing around in the place. I was the only person there without a living sister. In all those people, I was the only one. It's horrible and I feel like it will never get better because she will always be dead.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Square One

Today I had to take one of my kids to the hospital for a procedure to remove a screw in her knee from a previous surgery. It was simple and all went well. But not on the inside of me. I don't think anyone really likes hospitals. I dislike them more than most. But this was worse than usual. Much worse. I had awful panic, heart palpitations, and the whole sucky lot of the physical manifestations of anxiety. But I didn't know why it was worse than usual. The panic continued after we got home. It's been coming and going in waves, but quite severe. It sucks. But now I realize why it's here in such force. The last time I stepped into a hospital was the night my sister died very suddenly in one about six weeks ago. No one realized she was sick until she was dead. Just like that -- gone. This was the only person I was very close with from my family of origin. My only sister. This horrible event, the worst thing that has ever happened to me in all my life, has completely reset my baseline when it comes to anxiety and mental distress. I drifted away from writing here as things slowly became so much better for me that I was able to be really and properly involved in my offline life. I feel disrupted now. Writing helped before. Maybe it will again. Apparently, bottling it up is only going to give me panic and heart palpitations (and those make me panic more). I ran from a checkout line at the store today because I couldn't wait and only wanted to be at home. I haven't done anything like that in many, many years.