LOST

My sleep has been badly broken up these last few weeks. Broken, uneasy, and disturbed. I have such a deep longing for a mother, that it follows me even into my sleep and the search lasts for as long as my eyes are closed. It is a cold and desperate search. It is lonely and fruitless. Sometimes I wake and try to conjure some bit of safety that would allow me to sleep once again. It never lasts and I wake once again wondering where she is and why she doesn't want me.

This evening I decided to 'build' a safe mother. No, I don't know how, but I decided to try anyway. I figured if I could state what things might cause my senses to bring me a feeling of safety and comfort, then a picture of a mother would appear. I appealed to my five senses and I asked them the question. First I asked my sense of smell. What would a mother smell like? It told me a mother would smell like the dirt of the earth, cognac, and the pages of old books. It also mentioned pipe tobacco, but I rejected that one with my conscious mind because I knew that was the smell of my father when I was a little girl and though he was my only source of comfort, he was anything but safe. And it was only then that I realized the other answers provided by the sense of smell were also the smell of my father. (And how again did I later end up in relationship with a man who turned out to be a pedophile?) I decided not to panic and I moved on to my sense of hearing. I inquired about the sound of a mother and asked it not to bring me my father. I asked it to please bring me the sound of a mother. That's when Jenny showed up. She brought me the song at the end of this post and now I feel irretrievably damaged. I didn't want MY mother, I wanted an imaginary one who would love, protect and comfort me.